Return To the Battlefield

Dating....Sigh

 We have been here before. And here we are again. Now a days, it is almost impossible to meet someone in "real life". Gone are the days of asking one out in the grocery store, in passing or God forbid you see an attractive person while out and you approach them. That very person could be sitting next to you in a restaurant, not say a word and then immediately swipe right on their app to your very self once home.

***For newbies or those out of the game: On apps, you swipe right if you like, swipe left to send them to the pit of rejection***

Swiping. It's become quite the topic of conversation in our household. Mom and Dad's number one question is "Had any new swipes lately?!" Now, that in itself is hilarious sounding coming out of your parents mouth, but when they actually truly mean it, it makes it even more funny. We have taught them the in's and out's of tinder, Match and Bumble. So they know all the lingo! The siblings have let each other "swipe" for them and it often ends in laughter of "NO! You should have swiped left!" or "NO! You should have totally swiped right!" 

There are some great things about online dating. You can weed out some very important things quickly. Cuddling a cat? Swipe left. Smoking cigarettes? Swipe left. Forgot to take your wedding ring off in your photo? Definitely swipe left. You can also learn some good things! Ah! You are both into Seahawks!? Swipe right. You both despise Trump? Swipe right. He loves his mom? Swipe right. So for someone as busy as myself (and by busy sometimes that means binge watching shows in my underwear eating dinner on the couch in silence and being so glad I don't have to share my space) it makes room for you to be selective on who you spend your time with. 

Alas, as selective as you can be. You never truly know until you just go meet them. 

Now, let's make it clear. It has been QUITE some time since I have been in this scene. Dating. In fact you can see from previous blogs posts it has been a few years!  What do I even say? What do I wear? What....just stop. I realized in order to get myself there I just had to stop thinking about it and jump in.

So after some encouraging words, I created the profiles, started swiping and made my list of what I would make time for and what would get sent to the pits of rejection, aka swipe left qualifications.Guys, I'm telling you. You thought the dating selection in your 20's was tough. Slash that in HALF and that is what is left in the 30's. That's ok though! I'm a great treasure hunter. 

DATE 1: Return to the battlefield!

It happened. We matched! Two mutual people swiped right. The big celebratory app notifications system informed me that I have found my "perfect match". Fabulous! So, there begins the back and forth messages of typical getting to know you questions. These sometimes go well but 98.2% of the time I am asked nothing in return, called the wrong name, OR, the person doesn't even answer the question I asked but proceeds to answer a question, presumably from some other conversation?! But every now and then you get someone who is different. Who can type grammatically correct, can carry a conversation and seems to ACTUALLY be engaging. So you say, what the hell and accept their invitation to drinks. 

Now, drinks are the ONLY 1st day I will accept after my first round of dating blogs a few years back. I learned my lesson. None of that dinner crap. Why on earth am I going to stick myself at a table with you, likely without easy escape, when you could end up being the biggest creep on the planet. So drinks it is. 

Queue the first date in years. I actually felt fine about it until about an hour before and then the nerves hit me like a basketball in the face. Now, I'm not much of a drinker or day drinker for that matter, but we poured a nice little red wine to assist me in preparing for the night. What to wear. I contemplated to returning to my nice corner of the couch to continue getting caught up on GOT but yelled at myself to get in the car. Glass of red wine consumed. Ready to go. 

Showed up. Saw him outside in front of the bar as I was trying to find parking and for the love of God the pants. Now I'm not a particular picky girl. (Others may disagree lol) But one thing I don't like is men in tight pants. Little bro Tim can verify this as I swear he wears tight pants just to see my reaction. I do not want to see the shape of your legs. They weren't quite skinny jeans, but were absolutely skinny at the bottom. Rolled up, to where I could see ankles. I instantly saw a flash of my brothers go through my mind. I shook my head to erase the thought, took the corner and proceeded to repeat to myself. "Be open minded, be opened minded, be open minded. We are expanding our horizons". Freaking horizons.

I get to the restaurant and he is now inside at a table. I walk up, a quick hug but with chest space (you aint getting no free chest feels on the first night even slyly through a hug!) and proceed to sit down. Now to be honest, I had a good time! We had good conversation, laughed and I even stayed for a 2nd drink. Of course in the post date conference call. (This takes place with my mother) I stated that I was bummed it went so well because now what am I going to write about?! (Slightly kidding)

Queue the 2nd date - I figured if I wasn't sure I would give it a second chance. The invitation came the next day but I wanted some time in between so I told him I'd be available the next week. The invitation came and it was for dinner. Oh boy, stepping it up a notch and getting more serious! I was not in need of my pre-date drink this time around. Now it was 86 degrees and he had picked a restaurant that was completely enclosed, no windows except a small door propped in the back. I didn't want to be a diva so I followed him to a table but already struggling to breath at the humidity inside. Let's just say, a wood fired pizza joint, with no windows, on an 86 degree day, without air conditioning meets a girl without a thigh gap -does not make for comfortable-ness in a dress! But! I'm being a good sport. Mind you. I literally want to bite my hand off as I eat at 6:00pm on the dot and it was 7:30pm. If you know me. You know I suffer from a severe case of Hangry disorder. I kindly explain how hungry I am and we quickly order food. We order our drinks and start talking. He seemed very thrilled to see me again. Nice! But I was not feeling the same. Oh well, I've got to eat so here goes nothing. 

We order drinks and his comes with a few olives on a toothpick. When he finishes his meal, he proceeds to remove his toothpick sword from the drink and start picking EACH-AND-EVERY-ONE of his teeth with a toothpick. AT THE TABLE. During conversation. My eyes start blinking slightly more rapidly and I start stuttering over my words. Is this even real life?! I'm trying not to laugh but it was at that very moment that I knew it was 110% done for me. Sadly the pizza was in the oven still. Umpf. We continue having decent conversation but found myself to be leading most of it this time, which doesn't work for me. I need a guy to be able to carry conversation, bring up topics, take the lead. Wasn't happening. 

The bill came. He paid. I offered. He insisted. So I said ok. I'm not complaining! It helped me stay in my budget this month. ;) 

I tell him we should get going as I have an early morning. We leave the restaurant and he walks in front of me the whole way out. Call me petty, but one of my biggest pet peeves in when a guy intentionally walks in front of me. I feel you should wait and let the lady go first. The only place this doesn't apply is in Target. There I happily trail behind putting things in my cart so as not to be judged. :)

We get outside and he says he will walk me to my car..........crap

 I knew right then and there what was going down! We get to my car and he begins to compliment it. (Duh, it's a sexy beast) and he says that he would love to see me again. Oh crap. This is 2nd date, he wants a 3rd date. I know what he wants right now. I've seen this go down before. I told him I had a good time and I would text him to let him know about the future date. (I should have just said I'm not interested but I am still working on that part of my boldness) I went to give him a quick hug (slightly side hug) ensuring I held my head as far to the left as possible. IT WAS THE MOST AWKWARD moment. Imagine a lion going in for his pray, as the hug began his head slowed down so that it was hesitating by the right side of my face and he turned so that he was looking at me. In my head I thought "I know what you're trying to do here and no way you're winning this battle!" I cranked my neck as far as it could facing left. I swooped left, jammed my head into the shoulder and pulled back with a "thank you again for dinner and have a great night!" He pulled back. Looked as though he saw a ghost and also extremely disappointed. LOOK. If I'm not feeling the chemistry, you're not getting the seal of a deal kiss at the end of the night, even if you did pay! I jumped quickly into the safety of my getaway vehicle. 

He must have been extremely disappointed because there was no text/call to ensure I got home safely and there has been no follow up since. HEY, if you're going to pout because you don't get a kiss on the first official date, then you don't have enough determination for me. :)  

So I will continue swiping and continue going on "adventures" as I like to call them. It's fun, funny and you just really never know what you're going to get. 

Stay tuned!