Slot Machines

Slot machines. 

 

I've figured it out. I LOVE playing the slot machines. Take me to Vegas and I am a kid in a candy store. So many emotions! So many possible outcomes! Sometimes you walk away so happy because you came out even. Sometimes you hate yourself for spending way more than you promised before walking in. Other times, the game turns out to be nothing like you expected and you immediately remove your ticket after one play and quickly find a new machine. Other times, you've been sitting there for hours wondering what you've done with your life and how you became to be so interested in pressing the same button, over and over...and over......and overrrrrr. BUT! It's all worth it if you win right?! Alas....enter dating. Online dating is just like the slot machines. You never know what you'll encounter.

I have not been on another date since the last entry. Pretty much, I love being with friends, family, doing things on my own and quite frankly not having to put myself together when it's 90 degrees out without A/C. However, winter is coming and therefor I continue to encourage myself to engage. However most of the time, my attitude/reaction is the following:

 

Since I do not have any in person stories. I figured I would give you a look into the fabulous,  AKA fabulously annoying world of the pre-date interaction via online applications. Below you'll find a collection of some of the great winners I have encountered recently.

The McDonald's Stock Holder - If you didn't know. I have a love for french fries. Pretty much anything that is formed out of a potato makes me happy. But, never in my life did I believe that I could talk about french fries for so long with someone. In fact, this guy was so excited about french fries that any time the conversation strayed, he brought us back to where you can get the best burger and fries. I'm afraid if he spent more time focusing on anything other than french fries, he might have more luck. 

 

The I Can't Answer Questions Guy (ICAQ) - There are so many men who I swear do not answer my question just to see if I realize it or not? The ICAQ guy is VERY common. In fact, I cannot tell you how many times I have read one's reply, looked up, shook my head, put my phone down and went and watched the latest episode of Real Housewives, because it's just way more interesting. I'm not sure if it's just a high level of ADHD in the geographical area, but I am encountering "squirrel" moments at an increasingly high rate. See below for a vivid example:

Me: How are you?

ICAQ: I'm going to a baseball game

Me: (Thinks to self, ok that must mean good!) Do you like to travel?

ICAQ: I enjoy eating out at new restaurants

Me:(Thinking if these restaurants happen to be in places he travels to?).....That's great me too! Do you have family around here?

ICAQ: My friends and I go on a lot of beer tasting events.

Me: Are you going to answer any questions?

ICAQ: Silence

3 weeks pass by...tick tock tick tock

ICAQ: So you want to grab dinner?

Me: Thinks to myself, If I can't get you to answer a question, how will you ever hear me when I ask you to take the garbage can or pick up ice cream on your way home from work?! Delete!

The Going to Rock Your World Guy - Now, as I mentioned in the previous blog. I am keeping an open mind and giving anyone a chance that can peak my interest through their writing. HOWEVER. Every now and then a glorious-ness - (yes I made that up) hunk of MAN matches with you. We are talking Dwayne the Rock Johnson meets Cam Chancellor, meets everything goodness. The biceps were so huge that I do believe I could hide my entire body behind one. I immediately screen shot and send the photo to my best friend knowing she will talk me out of this dangerous temptation. Within 4.245 seconds she responds back with four simple words, "He looks like trouble". AKA I will kick your butt if you even go there. In all fairness, he did look like trouble. And before anybody goes all crazy on me about giving chances, I've given enough troubles chances to know trouble when I see it! :) But we decided to see what he would say anyways.  MIND YOU THIS PARAGRAPH IS NOT PG So if you are a male and related to me please move along to the next paragraph. You've been warned.

I am quoting this conversation word for word.

Rock Chancellor: (As I have named him) How are you this evening?

Me: Good, and you?

Rock Chancellor: Have you been with a big black man before.

(Text my girlfriend...he is trouble!!!)
Me:...Silence, laughing, more silence and then I reply, "That is a very strange question to ask a lady. I have dated many nationalities."

Rock Chancellor: GOOD...I ask because most little ladies can't handle a big huge package like mine, so I need to make sure.

Me: DELETE.

The Romeo and Juliet Drama Guy - Now - I am a sucker for romance and happiness and all things chivalry. However, we have a genre I am not to fond of: DRAMA. As stated before, I believe the first few chats should be to get to know simple interests, intentions and enough to see if your interest is peaked. Now, contrary to the ICAQ guy, you have the total the opposite, the I'll tell everything guy aka ITEG.

Now the ITEG is the guy who at first glance made me think, wow this guy types quite a bit and engages and that is great! However with ITEG guys, all it takes is ONE question, that open the flood gates to the drama river road.

Me: Hi! How are you. Looks like a fun even in that picture, what were you doing? Do you know many people in the area?

ITEG: Yes, I like to have fun. I do not have anyone in the areas because I have had so much death in the last year and many people have died and I am pretty much alone. I also don't do much because I don't have much family anymore.

Me............................gulp

ITEG: Do you want to go out?

 

Now, of COURSE this tears at my heart strings. BUT also seems super sketch to tell such a deep personal life story when he hasn't even asked my name. The messages of drama continued. I felt like he was looking for a counselor vs a life partner. And, quite the transition from a life sadness story straight into lets go out. I think I'd prefer to just go grab a cocktail...by myself, thank you.

The Repeat Offender - Some people have been online for quite some time. I recognize people who have been on here since the last time I was years ago. Welcome back to them or to me or to both. However these guys are my favorites. They rematch with me but forget I can see older messages at times. They send me really thought out, long messages and it seems like they took a lot of time. They add compliments about the prettiest smile they've ever seen, gorgeous eyes, seemingly great personality............until I remember this whole spiel sounds awfully familiar. I'll check a different app or an old account, and low and behold, the same guy using the same copy and pasted speech from many years ago. Love those ones! 

 

 

The Demander Guy - I am actually quite old school and prefer the man to ask me out. However, I also like a guy who isn't afraid to ask a few questions and engage prior to that. Just a few days ago I encountered yet another ICAQ. If you've forgotten, these are the guys that can't answer questions.

ME: Wow you're from Hawaii, what Island are you from? I'm part Portuguese too! My family came from there. It's one of my favorite places. Do you go home often?

Demander: I love Hawaii but this is home now.

Me: Very nice. Do you have any family here?

Demander: I came here 6 years ago.

Me: Very nice, do you have Portuguese family still in Hawaii? As long as we don't share the family name, we are good!

Demander: My family came from Portugal to Hawaii too.

Me: Thinking, for the love of GOD answer one question

2 weeks go by.

Demander: 12:00pm : What are you doing

Demander: 3:00pm Let's go out

Demander:5:00pm  We are going out, go on a a date with me

Demander: 6:00pm Hey let's go out

Ok Mister silencer, don't go ghost for 2 weeks, ignore any question I have and then come through with 4 demands in a 6 hour span without even ASKING me like a gentleman.

 

The Female Anatomy Analyzer Guy - Friends, I've been working on my physique lately and it's been my biggest priority. So I am always happy to hear a compliment on my physical state. Who isn't?! However, sometimes men just have no filter.

I matched with a guy who was a personal trainer. Given my current interest I thought it was a great conversations starting piece.

Me: Looks like you're a personal trainer. That's awesome! Do you do it on your own or through a business?

Gym Dude: WOW. Have you always been this curvy?
Sigh...another man who cannot answer a simple question.
Me: Thanks? I don't think I've been called curvy before but I'll take it as a compliment. Do you do training on your own?

Gym Dude: HONEY....Have you seen your boobs and butt? YOU ARE CURVY and sexy.

Me....Drop phone on bed and return to Episode two of Real Housewives

My thought process: Wait, what?! Oh my HONEY, I have never seen my boobs nor booty. I have made it from birth to 31 years old with never catching a glimpse in the mirror, never looking down and dressing with my eyes clothes. Thank you for letting me know, I will rush home right now and try to locate a mirror! For the love of God, of course I have and you lost me at Honey because you didn't answer my question. I'd also prefer someone not focus so heavily on my physical body before ever answering one simple freaking question. 

The Acronym Code Speaker Guy - Guys. It's true. I am getting older and no longer know what all the slang means. I try to stay up to date on lingo, what is in and what is out and I try to keep up with the acronyms. At Amazon and Disney, I had pages and pages of acronym cheat sheets. I still don't see why it's necessary in the work world. They will take a word such as Book Store and title it ABS- Amazon Book Store, because saying or typing book store is so difficult? Anyways, I don't own the companies, so I learn the acronyms. Learn them, love them, use them. So much that I've even started using them in my very own blog. Where I don't want to use them is in dating. I kid you not, the acronym conversations KILL me. I wouldn't even be so kind as to call them acronyms. It's just plane lazy.

Me: Hi! How are you doing? What's your favorite winter activity in the PNW?

Acronym Man: Emoji thumbs up...Sup (A shortened version of What is up, also very impressive for first impressions...insert sarcasm) I like wineries and movies in the winter. HBU? (Short for how about you?)

Me: I am doing great thank you for asking. In the winter I like to go up to my families cabin, spend some travel time somewhere sunny, enjoy the holidays, bake and cook. Do you have a favorite travel spot? (Trying to emphasize complete sentences with complete words).

Acronym Man: Coo...(That's cool without the L) IDK (That stands for I don't know) my favorite travels spot. HBU? (I without fail pronounce that HOO-BOO in my head each time I read it)

Me: Thinking, please don't make me think so hard on first text

Me: Well you should think about it! I love to travel so look for that in others. Looks like you were having fun in that 4th picture where were you at?

Acronym Man: Thx, yea btw I do like traveling just don't know by fav place

ME: BTW IDWY TITMW B - That's my acronym for By the way, I'm done with you, This, is too much work.

 

The Single Question of Doom Man - Usually when you are getting to know someone via text and social media apps you keep it light and simple. Just enough to get to know someone enough to see if you want to know more or as you can see, delete them altogether. There is ONE question that every man should never ask a woman. Ask me my weight, ask me why I chose this hair color, heck ask me about anything. But do not ask the question - "Why are you single?" I can't even begin to explain how annoying that is and I speak for all my fellow single ladies. Do you want to long answer to that or the short answer? I contemplate telling them every nitty-gritty detail of every heart break, every relationship gone bad, every time I thought it was the one and then, nope! Joke was on me. OR I contemplate telling them that I'm single because I can be! I've lived life. I've bought a house on my own. No man. I've bought a new car on my own. No man. I've traveled the world with my own money, not some mans. (Kudos to you if you did it that way too!) I am damn proud of everything I have done on my own and all of my accomplishments. And, quite frankly - had I gotten married earlier I wouldn't be at the peaceful, content and whole place that I am now. There is no SIMPLE answer to "Why are you single" it's not like I can say I have a mole on my face that makes me undate-able. So why ask it? The truth is, it's all part of God's bigger plan for me. Anyone who asks "Why are you single" lacks the emotional intelligence to figure there is no actual answer to that question. Get to know me yourself and find out if I should still be single or if you should be the one to end it. But I'll tell you this much. It will take a lot! I am fully happy and content in my life with just me, myself and I. :)

Now you see, online dating is JUST like the slot machines. You put your bet on certain ones and you just never know what you are going to get. One thing for sure, it's always entertaining whether the outcome is good or bad. Now before you get all worried that I'm too harsh and close the door too easily, I have other people who I am talking to that are responsive, kind and full of chivalry, from what I can tell. And, they have told me to get in touch when I feel better from this surgery. Perhaps they'll be the slot machine that ends the blog, or they'll be the one that gives you the next entry.

I'll just keep trying until I win the jackpot!